Better Dead Than Red!

Reds Still Fighting US Government

Posted by allan on Sunday, May 9, 2010 Under: Comedy
Redcoat Holdouts Still Fighting American Revolution

The Onion
Mar 13 2009
(Edited, emphasis added)

GREAT BROOK FARM STATE PARK, MA—In a surprising development that has confirmed a number of longstanding local rumors, authorities discovered the 32nd Regiment of His Majesty’s Royal British Army still fighting the Revolutionary War Monday in a small wooded area outside of Carlisle, Massachusetts.

The disoriented foot soldiers—who in the spring of 1776 survived a barrage of Patriot cannon fire at Dorchester Heights only to become lost during the subsequent British retreat—were found by park rangers marching in the direction of a nearby Price Chopper supermarket.


One of several Redcoat campfires recently discovered in the Carlisle area.

Area folklore and occasional reports from nearby RV parks have for years suggested the presence of a ragged, hardy band of British soldiers still remaining from the Revolutionary War. But what was once dismissed as legend has now been verified by Walter Carp of the Merrimac Valley Historical Society, who identified the 32nd Regiment after watching its members struggle to scale a razor-wire fence near a local recycling center.

“That’s them, all right—the old 32nd,” Carp said. “They fought valiantly at Breed’s Hill, but they never seemed to have the right coordinates when it came time to track an enemy. Looks like they might be a little worse for wear, the poor fellows.”

The regiment’s last mention in historical records came in March 1776, when the soldiers garrisoned a small fort near the Concord River and awaited orders from Gen. William Howe, then commander-in-chief of British forces. Though regiment scout James Winthrop reportedly estimates that Howe is no more than 80 kilometers from their location, public records indicate the general has been in London since his burial there in 1814.

“Howe cannot be far,” said Winthrop, pointing to a faded map sketched on worn hemp paper. “No more than a fortnight away.”

After receiving intelligence on the foreign military unit, the Pentagon immediately dispatched F-15s from the 104th Fighter Wing of the Massachusetts Air National Guard, but the planes were called off after British foreign secretary David Miliband assured officials that the redcoats did not represent the United Kingdom.

While the 32nd Regiment’s numbers have dwindled over the past two centuries due to illness and desertion, the remaining holdouts have vowed to continue fighting until the colonists’ siege of Boston is repelled. They then plan to rendezvous with the King’s 14th Regiment at Fort Ticonderoga, near the current site of the Diamond Run Shopping Mall, to restock on hardtack and tobacco.

“‘Tis been a long and bitter struggle with our foolhardy American cousins,” 2nd Lt. Henry Bertram said during a brief pipe break near the soccer field of Washington Elementary School. “Dearly do I miss my fair wife, Abigail, and our precious babe, Elizabeth, safe at home in Leicestershire. Why, my daughter must be tall as a barrel by now!”

Having survived the brutal winters of 1831, 1907, and 1999, most members of the regiment appear to believe that the worst stretch of the war is over, and that a full surrender of all colonial militias to the Royal Army is imminent. However, after spotting a number of new outposts last week in the growing Colonial Estates subdivision west of Boston, some have argued that the Americans may in fact be making gains.

“Fie on your childish speculations,” said Col. Thorpe, responding to growing concerns in his ranks. “I will not have this regiment torn asunder by such cowardly prattle. Somewhere in the Province of Massachusetts Bay there is a loyal countryman in whose farmhouse we can tarry for a night. Once rested, we shall strike a final blow to the treasonous Yankees.”

Added Thorpe, “By God, the jewel of His Majesty's crown shan't be lost!”

Local law enforcement officials said the soldiers are now considered suspects in a string of unsolved garden burglaries that began in 1838, as well as in the 2003 deaths of five Revolutionary War re-enactors near Lowell, Massachusetts.

The Centers for Disease Control is investigating whether the regiment may also be responsible for the recent deaths of several thousand New England residents from smallpox.

The Onion is a source for entertainment, not news.

In : Comedy 


Tags: reds "u.s. government" "american revolution" "revolutionary war" massachusetts redcoats british tories 
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A Tory is 1) A member of a British political party founded in 1689 as Whig's opposition party. Known as the Conservative Party since about 1832. 2) An American who, during the period of the American Revolution, favored the British side. Also called Loyalists. Supports traditional political and social institutions against democratization or reform 3) Comes from Irish Gaelic for

BELOW: Do these protest signs look familiar?

Whatever they called themselves in Poolesville, Maryland, in 1956 -- and whatever they call themselves today -- it’s the same group of people.

It’s not a myth, it’s not our imaginations.

It is historical fact, proven repeatedly. We don’t need to learn this lesson again. It is too divisive to the nation and too painful to its people.

The groups of people holding these extremist, minority opinions and views -- whenever and wherever they show up -- are on the wrong side of justice, fairness, peace between peoples, and “the American way”.

Fortunately, they have the right to advertise themselves.

The legible signs:

“Integration Is Communism
“Integration Is UnChristian
“Integration Is Illegal
“Stop Integration”
“Keep Poolesville White”
“Put Me Down As ‘No’ Nigger-Lover” (held by a child)


Zombie Government In The U.S.A.

More frightening than the imaginary danger posed by re-animated dead people hunting living brains is the fact that Americans originally motivated by patriotism have already been recruited and trained to instigate, incite, and take part in attacks on a nation they still think they revere.

“Spontaneous people’s revolutions” of the kind Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, and other greedy fatalists long to incite, to unleash their larcenies and insane propaganda machine, are designed to line up cadres of emotionally driven, dictatorship-ripe know-nothings.

The same FOX followers who are easily targeted and incited by Right-Wing fearcasters against any person, group or asset in the real or virtual worlds.

Hordes of Republican zombies are “ready, willing and able” -- eager -- to be triggered to act out.

Unthinking, still caught up, following orders to be patriotic as that is now re-defined -- anti-Democratic Party -- to support the war by going shopping, despite ballooning personal debt, during the real estate expansion bubble.

We, the country and people, spent even the “voodoo” part of zombie Republican economics, always designed to increase the number of available “re-education ready” bodies to keep increasing the number of zombpublican forces.

From the first day the zombie Republicans ate the government and took over the White House back in the 1990s, and every time they’ve been left alone with the keys to the nation’s treasures, they’ve stolen everything they could steal.

Until President Obama was actually inaugurated and continuing in fewer ways over time, they took our life’s savings, retirement accounts, investments, land, homes, jobs, cars.

We put it all on the line for eight years of destruction, to go shopping, because too many believed there was no doubt that the financial dream was going to happen for us if we were “patriotic” and good Republicans. Mixing God and war, a gang of professionals -- a team of ultra-criminals -- hypnotized and propagandized, boldly lied and convinced.

To fulfill our beliefs in our earned and deserved, therefore due and dependable expectations -- we have been compelled to acts of obscene financial violence and social mayhem, in order to open resources for death profiteers. The new market for those with money to buy valuable assets cheaply is the U.S.A.

They are the living dead, Reds. They are zombies, caricatures of people like my Republican father, a combat veteran, who, when alive, was a very patriotic American.

Now, if my father is not now one of these Republican zombies, I can still say I am proud of him because he served in the military and was still patriotic. I was young and mistakenly took that as a permanent endorsement of the entirety of the U.S. military. I volunteered and served in the U.S. Army and remain patriotic.

This is 2010. Things are what they are. Do not enlist. Do not re-enlist. Get out ASAP. That's my opinion, and you're welcome to it.

There are only a tiny few Republicans today who care to see clearly enough through their dead eyes to admit that the pillaging of the U.S.A. was completed on schedule by December, 2008.

Most Republicans today have given up on reality.

They refuse to see the zombies, they refuse to protect themselves from becoming zombies. They refuse to see that they are becoming zombies, one-by-one.

They refuse to see that they are serving those who are profiting from the creation and existence of zombies, and those manipulating the zombies in order to more easily control the planet. 

Republican zombies are used to spread actual lies and panic about mythical threats from Communists and Socialists while supposedly warning about communism and socialism. Religion-based control is inculcated with all zompublican preparations also, as everyone in the U.S. knows by now.

They call it “re-education about the Democratic Party’s true goals”, or “how to better spot communism or socialism” when “they rise up to ruin this country as they’ve planned all along.”

Part of the “re-education” of Republican pre-zombies is a nonstop multimedia river of violent, radicalizing justifications for the accomplished mass murder and torture of a non-threatening nation’s people, the “wrong” people, mixed with constant exhortations to acknowledge and surrender to the perfect joy, grace and love of “Jesus Christ”.

The zombie Republicans’ confusion, their contagion, threatens the very life force of the nation.

Allan

 


 

Reds Still Fighting US Government

Posted by allan on Sunday, May 9, 2010 Under: Comedy
Redcoat Holdouts Still Fighting American Revolution

The Onion
Mar 13 2009
(Edited, emphasis added)

GREAT BROOK FARM STATE PARK, MA—In a surprising development that has confirmed a number of longstanding local rumors, authorities discovered the 32nd Regiment of His Majesty’s Royal British Army still fighting the Revolutionary War Monday in a small wooded area outside of Carlisle, Massachusetts.

The disoriented foot soldiers—who in the spring of 1776 survived a barrage of Patriot cannon fire at Dorchester Heights only to become lost during the subsequent British retreat—were found by park rangers marching in the direction of a nearby Price Chopper supermarket.


One of several Redcoat campfires recently discovered in the Carlisle area.

Area folklore and occasional reports from nearby RV parks have for years suggested the presence of a ragged, hardy band of British soldiers still remaining from the Revolutionary War. But what was once dismissed as legend has now been verified by Walter Carp of the Merrimac Valley Historical Society, who identified the 32nd Regiment after watching its members struggle to scale a razor-wire fence near a local recycling center.

“That’s them, all right—the old 32nd,” Carp said. “They fought valiantly at Breed’s Hill, but they never seemed to have the right coordinates when it came time to track an enemy. Looks like they might be a little worse for wear, the poor fellows.”

The regiment’s last mention in historical records came in March 1776, when the soldiers garrisoned a small fort near the Concord River and awaited orders from Gen. William Howe, then commander-in-chief of British forces. Though regiment scout James Winthrop reportedly estimates that Howe is no more than 80 kilometers from their location, public records indicate the general has been in London since his burial there in 1814.

“Howe cannot be far,” said Winthrop, pointing to a faded map sketched on worn hemp paper. “No more than a fortnight away.”

After receiving intelligence on the foreign military unit, the Pentagon immediately dispatched F-15s from the 104th Fighter Wing of the Massachusetts Air National Guard, but the planes were called off after British foreign secretary David Miliband assured officials that the redcoats did not represent the United Kingdom.

While the 32nd Regiment’s numbers have dwindled over the past two centuries due to illness and desertion, the remaining holdouts have vowed to continue fighting until the colonists’ siege of Boston is repelled. They then plan to rendezvous with the King’s 14th Regiment at Fort Ticonderoga, near the current site of the Diamond Run Shopping Mall, to restock on hardtack and tobacco.

“‘Tis been a long and bitter struggle with our foolhardy American cousins,” 2nd Lt. Henry Bertram said during a brief pipe break near the soccer field of Washington Elementary School. “Dearly do I miss my fair wife, Abigail, and our precious babe, Elizabeth, safe at home in Leicestershire. Why, my daughter must be tall as a barrel by now!”

Having survived the brutal winters of 1831, 1907, and 1999, most members of the regiment appear to believe that the worst stretch of the war is over, and that a full surrender of all colonial militias to the Royal Army is imminent. However, after spotting a number of new outposts last week in the growing Colonial Estates subdivision west of Boston, some have argued that the Americans may in fact be making gains.

“Fie on your childish speculations,” said Col. Thorpe, responding to growing concerns in his ranks. “I will not have this regiment torn asunder by such cowardly prattle. Somewhere in the Province of Massachusetts Bay there is a loyal countryman in whose farmhouse we can tarry for a night. Once rested, we shall strike a final blow to the treasonous Yankees.”

Added Thorpe, “By God, the jewel of His Majesty's crown shan't be lost!”

Local law enforcement officials said the soldiers are now considered suspects in a string of unsolved garden burglaries that began in 1838, as well as in the 2003 deaths of five Revolutionary War re-enactors near Lowell, Massachusetts.

The Centers for Disease Control is investigating whether the regiment may also be responsible for the recent deaths of several thousand New England residents from smallpox.

The Onion is a source for entertainment, not news.

In : Comedy 


Tags: reds "u.s. government" "american revolution" "revolutionary war" massachusetts redcoats british tories 
blog comments powered by Disqus

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